Still Photo vs. Video

We have lots of videotape of our bully neighbor doing all sorts of bully things. Many times I wished I'd had the camera when he was stopping me on the road, trying to intimidate me, but I didn't. Those events I can only talk about and so can he and so it's one of those "he said she said" things that judges and D.A.s just love. "He said she said" can so easily be dismissed. But we did get lots of video anyway, plus audiotape in which he tells us he will have us killed.

Our neighbor had only his word and apparently lots of still photos which he never put into evidence, but he used to influence people like the D.A. So we kept taking him back into court and he kept harassing and threatening. Since there is no audio recording when you take a still photo, you can provide any story you want. And so our neighbor has shown an endless number of locals the still photos of us. Some of these same people have seen and heard our videotapes. Over time, they have chosen to believe him. He has a forceful personality and 40+ years' experience with acting in order to get his way. We tell the truth, but not as well as he tells a lie. And so it is with many bullies.

The Lights Never Went Out

My neighbor must not have liked the dark and he didn't want anyone else to like it either. Or so one would think, judging by all the lights he used to illuminate our house. Sometimes he would use as many as five lights. With all the lights off in our house and blinds and curtains closed tight, I could still read a newspaper from the illumination of his lights alone. It took several calls to the Sheriff's Office before one officer went to my neighbor's house, went into the backyard and saw all the lights (turned off just before they arrived) that Predator had pointing our direction. Since he lied to them saying he didn't have any lights, then - he didn't have any pointing at our house, then - he was so weak he could not lift them - all of which the officers disproved, they charged him with several violations - including violation of the restraining order.

Among the many different methods of harassing us was the use of his radio. He would place the speaker in the window of his garage which was only 6 feet from our fence and then he would turn it up full force. Then maybe 20 minutes later, he would turn it way down. He gave it 20 minutes because that is the best response time we have had from the Sheriff's in the past. We could never get them there fast enough. By the time the cops were there, the music was low. Cops - "That music isn't bad." Me - "It was a lot louder a few minutes ago. Come over here and see where he had his speaker in the garage window." Cops - "No we have to go to a domestic violence call right now." They never saw the speaker. They didn't care about these accumulating intrusions into our lives. The music was so loud we could not drown it out with all our fans on plus the air conditioner. We could feel the rhythm in our floors.

The Ladder on The Fence

Bully's never run out of ways to harass, even their small harassments are amazing. Suddenly one day, this very tall ladder showed up leaning against our fence. This is not a shared fence, it is the fence we put in when we realized our neighbor was a thief. Anyway here was this ladder. It is the kind workers use to pick fruit off of trees. He didn't need such a ladder, but it certainly came in handy for him as an irritant to us. It slowly bent our fence, because it was damned heavy. We tolerated it for several weeks, asked him to take it off - he refused. So after about two months, we'd had it and got a very long pole and pushed it over. Now who was mad? However, we had the legal right and he did not.

The Three Steps of a Bully

The predator who lived next door to us had three levels of asking for something. First he would admire it - "You sure have a nice place" (with special emphasis on the word "sure"). If that did not get him what he wanted, he would go to the second step. "Who owns this place?" he would ask. "We do," I answered. He asked me that six times. I patiently answered it, thinking he could have a memory problem. The sixth time he asked and I answered, "We do," he got mad - "Well I'll be sure not to STEP ON IT!" I finally realized that he was hinting that he wanted access to our land - the combination to our lock on the gate, the ability to drive across our lot to the back of his mother's place... We were suspicious of his motivations. There seemed to us something beyond just the access that he wanted and so, trusting our gut, we just ignored the questions hidden in his whining hints. So he went to his third level - threats. He said to Karl - "You're gonna be driving on some lonely road one of these days and then my boys will take care of you. But don't worry. I'll take care of your wife and THEN I'll have your place."

So watch out for anyone who slowly increases their requests or uses hints to ask for something. You just may have a predator who is shopping around for someone to prey upon.

Predators Shrink Your World

When targeted by a predator, your world shrinks over time. It is very hard to fight it, especially if co-workers or friends begin to question your claims of being bullied. This should be considered a 'law of nature' because it is so predictable, so common in a predator-prey relationship.

Over a period of 4 years, both my husband and I slowly dropped out of one organization and another. We were not completely conscious of it. We just found ourselves getting more exhausted. We stopped reading as much and the magazines piled up. We did not have the energy to go to a meeting at night, so the memberships dropped.

Our world shrank as we put what energy we had left into just making sure our relationship did not become a shipwreck. The house became cluttered, but we did not let it bother us. The important thing was to survive this and to survive it together. A predator tries to steal everything from you. Ignore the nice face, the friendly smile, the gifts - it is what is inside that matters - the person inside that skull who calculates, manipulates, charms.

They are the REAL Jekyll and Hydes of this world.

Spotting Bullies

Ever since our intense experience with a major predator, I find it easier to spot one. If I am quite sure that someone is a bully, I keep my distance as much as possible, which is almost impossible if you have to work with them. There are all kinds of books on working with bullies or school bullying, but very little on how to deal with a neighbor who is a bully. Visit attorneys about a bullying neighbor and I can guarantee about 90 percent or more will tell you to move. That is a terrible thing for someone who has invested a lot into their property, so I am slowly working on a book about our long complicated experience with the hope that it might help others in a similar struggle.